Like a teenager

Do you remember when you were a teenager and you had a huge crush on someone who was unattainable (and as you would later find out, not very good with their emotions)? The excitement, the butterflies, the happiness? But also the nerves, the doubt and the anxiety? That's what the adoption journey is like!

At the beginning, it's all about the excitement. Nothing is too much trouble and you do it happily. Dress nicely, listen to their favourite music so you have something to talk about, wait around after school to catch them after football practice. For the adoption, it's the same: you fill out all your paperwork diligently, you fix every tiny little detail at home - things that have been waiting for years you have done in a weekend and you read everything they suggest on every website so you are (and more importantly, seem) prepared.

This feeling lasts for quite a while, the flutter in your tummy, the impromptu dance parties in the living room if you hear some tiny snippet of news, it's all sunshine and rainbows and wonderfulness.

And then, you get together!!! Yes!!! This is what you have been waiting for all those months, now you can finally get the relationship going. This is going to be amazing! In adoption, you've passed Stage One! All the paperwork is done, you can finally get cracking on the real work, with an actual person beside you guiding you. Excellent, you are nervous, but oh so excited. You tell everyone your happy news!

And so things tick along, it's so wonderful being together and so wonderful being on the journey to find a child, right? After a while, the intense excitement goes down a notch, nobody can sustain such intense emotions for too long. (Except teenagers, this stage is probably way longer when you are 15!). The steady back-and-forth communication and the romance sustain you and give you hope. At one point, you do get a bit tired of listening to music you don't really like, or reading books that mostly depress you, but it's what you need to do, right? It's fine, it's all worth it.

And things continue, they move forward, but at a way slower pace. Is it you or are they texting less? You seem to be on track, but are you really? This is when the anxiety and doubt start creeping in. Is it you? Did you say something? Or does it have nothing to do with you and that's just how relationships and the process go? "Nah, I'm sure it's not me, they said yesterday that all is well, I'll be fine once I hear something back." And then comes the eternal wait for the next text. During the wait, the range of emotions you go through is incredible! You go up, down, left and right and everywhere in between, you analyze every little detail about the last communication and about everything, you drive yourself crazy. And then: the text comes! "I am loved, everything is ok and on track!" Phew. You breathe, you can continue with your life again. Twenty minutes later: "Hmm, what was meant when they said this in this last text?" And the cycle of doubt and emotions starts again. And again and again. Waiting is the hardest thing I've had to do on this journey, more than digging through difficult subjects, more than getting a background check (or three) from overseas, more than anything. I feel like an insecure teenager in love with someone who is emotionally unstable.

Today I feel stronger and better than other days, may this make me stronger and more resilient. Because you are out there little one and we will bring you home.