Fear | Joy

As I sit here, only a few days away from meeting our little one - our daughter - I cannot help but feel scared.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, worries and fear have been a constant companion throughout this journey. They were always with me, never leaving me alone.

Now, having survived what only weeks ago felt like the biggest obstacles we would face - the approval and matching panels - I now know that they were absolutely nothing in comparison to what we are facing now: parenthood. And not just "normal" parenthood. Parenthood which will also involve embracing our little one's past and parts of her past which will be ever-present. We have begun to ask ourselves what we will do in certain situations, what sort of repercussions any choice we make might have. And oh my, it is the most daunting thing I have ever faced. The weight of this responsibility is unlike anything I have felt before and yet one which every parent faces, throughout their entire life. One never ceases being a parent.

I have so many fears running through my head and heart right now. I am scared of the first time we meet, I am scared of the first time we take her out of the house, of the first time we bathe her, of driving with her in the car, of the first times I will do things on my own, I am scared of the loneliness I will face, I am scared of losing my life as I know it - despite having wanted this with all my heart for so long, I am scared of the guilt I will feel for this, I am scared I will make mistakes, I am scared of the day she may utter the words "you are not my real mother", I am scared of the day the questions come and she is old enough to truly understand her story and the pain she will feel. I am more scared than ever before. Yet I feel stronger than ever before too. I see you, fear. And I thank you. I thank you because feeling you means one thing: I am a mother now. And this fills me with the most indescribable joy. I have all these fears and worries because I have the privilege of being a mother! Imagine that! I am still testing out the waters with actually saying it out loud and the truth is, I still don't feel like one, but I know that everything I am feeling now is because I am becoming a mother and that in time, I will be one, through and through. Thank you, little one, for making me a mother. I promise I will face fear head on, every day, and let the joy win, for you.