The Panels

Two panels within a month, two completely different experiences. Both successful, both unanimous approvals, yet the feelings during and after each one were completely different.

Our approval panel took place on a dreary, grey and rainy morning in a dilapidated sports centre in the middle of nowhere. We received a warm welcome from the panel chair and panel members. We sat in a little room with the air conditioning turned up to the max, shivering, while we waited. Our social worker was pulled away for a second and when she came back, she told us that a piece of paper was missing from our application, they had lost it. Our SW said it might not be mentioned, as they'd get it in no time, but just in case. The chair came to get us and said they didn't really have any questions, except for one. We went into the room where 9 other people sat waiting for us. We all went around the room introducing ourselves. It was a bizarre thing, sitting with all these people opposite us waiting for judgement on whether we were allowed to be parents. They were all very friendly though, a lot of smiles and warmth. Turned out there was more than one question, though! It did feel more like a conversation than a grilling, thank goodness. The questions were about our general experience of the process, what we have learned, what we had enjoyed, as well as some specific questions about our situation, nothing that we weren't prepared for, thank goodness. Then came the moment of truth, the decision. They made their decision right there in front of us, we didn't even leave the room. And then the chair broke the moment, to mention the missing piece of paper. This missing piece of paper meant that ratification might not be able to occur the next week, as was planned, but it remained to be seen. So we left to go home, it was still raining. And despite us getting a unanimous recommendation for approval and some lovely feedback, we mostly felt drained. And guilty for not feeling overwhelmingly happy. The thing is, what was supposed to be a day of clarity after months and in reality years of uncertainty, wasn't. A mistake happened and because of it, it wasn't the day we hoped and expected it to be. Still a good result of course and I know that others might wish that this would be the the problem they had to deal with, but feelings are real and they are valid and they are what they are. The day we had been working for was not the day we wished for. So we went home and took a four-hour nap in the middle of the day. Ratification was supposed to happen on Wednesday and they said they'd call whether they could confirm or not. They did call in the evening, just to say there was a general delay, but that they would call in the morning. Did that mean that they'd found the piece of paper? Was it going to be ok? It was a long night. Next morning the clock did not seem to want to move, except when it did, to 12 O'Clock. That wasn't morning anymore. I managed to wait three and a half hours until I texted our SW asking her if she'd heard anything. A few hours later we heard back. Everyone that had had their panel on that day still hadn't heard back either. That soothed my nerves, it wasn't us. We finally heard back via text on Friday morning, ratified!!! We finally breathed a sigh of relief. I also think it was a hard experience because we were already linked with our little one, so there was so much riding on this that when there was a snag, it was a huge blow. We felt so much better after the ratification, thank goodness. And then came matching panel. The day were they were going to decide if we were going to be matched with the little one whose face we had seen for the first time four months before, the little one who in our hearts and souls felt like ours from the moment we saw and read about her. I was so nervous in the morning that when I attempted to eat a corner of toast, I threw up. So off we drove. It was a beautiful, bright and sunny day. It sounds like I am making it up, but I am not. The place was a beautiful parkland centre. It was warm and beautifully decorated. The first social worker we ever spoke to was there, on our panel. That felt like a good omen. There was an air of excitement and positivity in the air. They were running late, but we didn't even care. The chair came to collect us and said they didn't really have any questions, but of course we expected there to be, after last time. As we walked into the room, there were 12 people there, plus 5 on our side of the table! Seventeen people to decide, advocate and witness the day where are future would be decided. Turns out the chair was telling the truth this time! They had questions and comments for the social workers, really good ones to, ones I was glad they raised. They asked them to speak about the strength and the match and our social worker was close to tears, as was I - it was beautiful. We left the introductions book and other bits we had prepared with them whilst they deliberated. We were outside the room for about a minute and we were called back in. We sat there, in a bright and sunny room. And the words I heard from the chair were: "I am delighted...." And that is all I heard, because I burst into tears. She is going to be ours. We are going to be hers. It was an incredible moment. More lovely words were said, all of these people felt like we are a strong match and that we are right for each other. I was on top of the world. As we left the room, I literally jumped up and down and hugged everyone around me! Including two people whom I'd only met that morning! We called my sister and we cried together. It was a magical, perfect day. And then, instead of driving home like after the first time, we went out for lunch! One - we had the energy, two - I was starving!

So those were our panels. Two very different experiences, but two days which will forever be etched in our memories as the days which led us to become parents to our little one.