Arghhh *#%&!

Remember the post about feeling like a teenager in love with an emotionally unstable boy? I'd like to think that if our social worker was a boyfriend I was dating at 15, I would have dumped him by now. Sure, he is an absolutely lovely person, has the best intentions in the world and I could easily see us being friends. But as a boyfriend...oh my.

But I can't leave him. I am trapped. My future is in his hands. I am getting dizzy from the cycle of broken promises, of dashed hopes. Promises that had no place being made, that served absolutely no purpose except making him feel like he was doing the right thing in saying what we wanted to hear to make us happy. But you aren't, dear boyfriend, you are doing just the opposite.

First, you practically promised us a perfect child, wrapped in a bow and ready to come home. But that wasn't true, was it? Before this child (who is perfect in her own sense - but not in the sense you said) can come to us, there is so much that needs to happen and it is not in your hands. You should have said all of this and you shouldn't have been so honest with us, making us believe that just because we are a strong couple, we would have an easier time of it.

And from then, this pattern continued and hasn't stopped. Until the last possible second, you will keep me on a ledge of uncertainty, of feeling unstable, of feeling angry and unhappy, of knowing that I will be anxious until you do what you'd said would be done by now. You make me feel like a person I do not recognize, you change me into someone I don't like. And for that, I am angry at you.

I know you have a good heart, but that is not enough. Not nearly enough. I wish I could break up with you and start afresh, without losing any time. But I know that is not a real possibility, so I will be here. Waiting. Again.